Can’t go wrong with a few humorous vignettes
Morris, an 82-ear-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’”
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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”
“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything.’”
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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies — I got three males and two females.” Wife: “How do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy — three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
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Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.
“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”
“Oh dear! I’m very sorry,” replied her friend. “What did you do?”
“Opened a can of peas instead.”
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A man complains to a friend, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What’s wrong?” his concerned friend asks.
“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend said, chuckling.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll go ..I still remember that time when you ....”
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Stanley was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.
He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player, who was known primarily for his lack of I.Q. and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.” Stanley’s wife replied, “Why thank you, dear!”