Some funny sayings, quips to brighten up the winter week

• Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I’m a mile away and I have his shoes.

• “There were a couple girls banging on my bedroom door all last night. What’s a guy to do? I had to let them out.” — Rodney Dangerfield

• Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

• Someone should open up a restaurant called “I don’t care.” Then we can finally go to that restaurant my girlfriend’s always talking about.”

• Dogs are always in the push-up position.

• I’m against picketing, I just don’t know how to show it.

• Somebody stole my mood rings, and I don’t know how I feel about that.

• It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

• My grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

• This is a good pun, but the one about the kleptomaniac baker takes the cake.

• “I shouldn’t talk bad about my wife, she’s attached to a machine that keeps her alive ... it’s called a refrigerator.” — Rodney Dangerfield.

• I went to a fight, and a hockey game broke out.

• I don’t have a microwave; just a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

• Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

• People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.

• We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

• It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.

• There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

• Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

• Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.

• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

• The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.

• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

• It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

• Remember the tea kettle: though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

• A committee is 12 people doing the work of one.