Some Wednesday smiles to brighten up the week

• Due to my time alone, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that's a lot of coloring.

• What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

• I tried donating blood today. NEVER AGAIN! Too many stupid questions: Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?

• There's nothing scarier than that split second when you lose your balance in the shower and you think, 'They are going to find me naked.'

• Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it. It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

• Struggling to get your partner's attention? Just sit down and look comfortable.

• Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

• I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now there's no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

• Shout out to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can't remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people.

• One minute you're young and fun. And next, you're turning down the stereo in your car to see better.

• Think you're old and you will be old. Think you are young, and you will be delusional.

• When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is “yes” or “no.”

• Not all this 'Who are you and how did you get in here?” nonsense.

• Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave — I'd say I'm having a good day.

• My wife NEVER complained, until I went to the doctor and got some hearing aids.

• An older gentleman and a younger woman sat at a bar.

The older man asks, “Where have you been all my life?”

The young, perky woman says, “For the first two-thirds of your life, I wasn’t even born yet.”

• A man took a trip into town where an office of an obstetrician and an optician sit side by side next to each other.

For the office of the obstetrician, there’s a sign that reads “obstetrician” and the building of the optician follows suit with its own sign that reads “optician.”

The man walks into the building of the obstetrician and says, “I’m only here because my wife thinks I need glasses!”

• I was watching a show for a couple minutes and this lady on the tube starts listing all of these great things that one can do for fun.

It wasn’t until it dawned on me that it was a religion channel — and the woman was reading off a list of sins.

• My wife just stopped and asked me, “You weren’t even listening to a single word I was saying, were you?”

I thought to myself, “Well, that’s a pretty strange way to start a conversation.”