Can't ever go wrong with an amusing, humorous vignette
I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one — and let the other one off.
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“Doctor, doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” “It’s not unusual.”
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband said: “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories.
After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” They asked. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
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One day, two women dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter.
The first woman says, “My dog’s so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.”
The second woman replies, “I know…”
The first woman is surprised and asks, “How do you know?”
The second woman says, “My dog told me.”
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says: 'What the heck was that all about?'
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer.
'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.'
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
'What did I tell you?' said the barber.
'That kid never learns!' Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, 'What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.'
'I don’t need to outrun the bear,' the first guy says. 'I just need to outrun you.'