New Year’s Resolutions
RESOLUTION #1:
2021: I will read at least 20 good books this year.
2022: I will read at least 10 good books this year.
2023: I will read at least one article this year.
2024: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
RESOLUTION #2:
2021: I will get my weight down below 180.
2022: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2023: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2024: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
RESOLUTION #3:
2021: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2022: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2023: I will try to pay off the IRS by 2025.
2024: I will try to be out of the country by 2024.
RESOLUTION #4:
2021: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2022: I will not leave Marge.
2023: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2024: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
RESOLUTION #5:
2021: I will stop looking at other women.
2022: I will not get involved with Bertha.
2023: I will not let Bertha pressure me into another marriage.
2024: I will stop looking at other women.
RESOLUTION #6:
2021: I will not let my boss push me around.
2022: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2023: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2024: I will file a wrongful termination lawsuit by late January.
RESOLUTION #7:
2021: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2022: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2023: I will not get angry when Charlie tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2024: Everyone’s excited — Charlie’s getting out of the hospital today.
RESOLUTION #8:
2021: I will not take a drink before 5 p.m.
2022: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2023: I will not become a “problem drinker."
2024: I will not miss any AA meetings.
RESOLUTION #9:
2021: I will go to church every Sunday.
2022: I will go to church as often as possible.
2023: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2024: I will try to catch the online sermon.
RESOLUTION #10:
2024: I will quit making stupid New Year’s Resolutions.