Sharks vs. Brain amoeba

When it comes to ways to die, being devoured by a shark probably ranks right up there with esophageal cancer or ALS. The shark death goes quicker if it’s a big bite or you’re just consumed whole. So given a choice, I’d probably go with Jaws as opposed to a long drawn-out hate affair with cancer.

Given an open-ended choice, however, I’d probably just choose to go quietly in my sleep at 110, having just played pool the day before. At Fast Eddie's, not the rec room at the old folks home either, bulking up on prune juice.

This Fourth of July, my son shows me two photos that someone sent to him via text. The pictures were pretty gruesome. Woman bitten by a shark off of South Padre. Apparently, in knee-deep water, no less. The photo, unedited, shows her entire left calf muscle gone. The other photo shows a man lying on his left side, with a huge pool of blood around his midsection.

Then the local, state, and national news starts spreading the story —shark attacks off of South Padre. According to a City of South Padre press release, four people had been bitten (most likely by the same shark), two with only minor injuries, while the other two shark victims had to undergo surgery.

Which is why I’m happy I no longer swim in salt water.

Being stung by a stingray in 2004 cured me of my lifelong love affair with beaches and salt water. To never experience that degree of pain again is a pretty simple fix.

Stay out of the salt water.

Brain-Eating Amoebas

When I saw the shark-attack photos my son showed me, I told him, this is why it’s better to swim in a lake.

Then he had to go and remind me of those pesky brain amoebas.

Why?

I remember those stories from a few years back, which still pop up on occasion, including this one published last September by KUT News with this catchy headline: “Texas has the most ‘brain-eating’ amoeba in the U.S. Here’s what to know.”

You don’t have to tell me anything more, thanks: Texas lakes are now off of my list of fun things to do.

I only have to read one story, one, about someone getting an amoeba in their brain, thanks to swimming in a Texas lake, and that does it for me.

In fact, the KUT News story starts out with this stellar banner:

“Every summer, you see the same kind of headline: ‘Person dies from a brain-eating amoeba.’ You probably scroll through the article, shudder a bit, think twice about going swimming and move on.”

Yep. In fact, I’m one of them. Don’t need to mention brain-eating amoeba to me more than once before I move on.

How about public swimming pools?

Sure. Give me a sec. Let me do an online search for “Fecal matter in public swimming pools,” which will also include hotel pools:

OMG. You don’t even want to know. Just typed this into a popular search engine: “Fecal matter in public swimming pools.” That did it.

In fact, just to make sure you still swim in a pool, I’m not even going to repeat the first story’s lead-in that pops up in my online search, which has to do with little kids, dirty bottoms, and bacteria in pool water.

That much?

I had no idea.

There goes my public swimming.

So now, I’m thinking a relatively good flowing river, and I’ll swim far upstream.

There I’ll find, no sharks, no stingrays, no little kids swimming in a pool, so hopefully no amoebas and fecal matter.

Here’s at least one paragraph from the KUT News story:

“As its nickname suggests, the ‘brain-eating’ amoeba infects people by traveling up the nose, through a layer of bone, and up to the olfactory bulb, which is responsible for sending smell signals to your brain. From there, Naegleria fowleri ‘literally is going to eat the cells of the olfactory bulb and what’s called the cortex of the brain,’ said David Siderovski, a pharmacology and neuroscience professor at the University of North Texas Health Science Center at Fort Worth.”

What a cheery thought.

Shark-attack victims, amoeba victims: a sad misfortune in a cursed world.