Some one-liners, jokes to help lighten up the week

• If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

• Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

• IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

• How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to swear? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

• “No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian,” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

• I have so much debt, I can start a government.

• I knew a blonde who was so foolish, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind!

• If you shake up a can of beer, and spill it on your stove, do you get foam on the range?

• People think I broke it but the crime isn’t so black and white. Ah, I get the picture - I’m being framed!

• Smoke dynamite ... it’ll really blow your mind.

• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

• Honk if you love peace and quiet.

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

• It’s very difficult to be dumb these days. The competition is simply too big.

• Moses has been guiding his people through the desert for 40 years. Looks like even at those times men were unwilling to ask for directions.

• If someone hates you for no reason, give them a reason.

• I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

•Shout out to all sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.

• Someone took my mood ring, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

• Inspecting mirrors is a job I could see myself doing.

• I’d give my left arm to be ambidextrous.

• Words cannot express how limited my vocabulary is.

• Getting paid to sleep would be a dream job.

• My fear of moving stairs is escalating.

• I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

• I used to think that the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look who’s telling me that.

• You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

• Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well-known six offender.

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.