Interviewing Myself Saves Time

Advance News Journal (ANJ): So tell me again why I’m interviewing myself.

Gregg Wendorf: Because I have nothing written for this week’s paper, it’s already deadline day, and I have no energy left in my tank to write anything of interest.

I feel like filling the pages with press releases, and then plop down in the recliner to watch some uplifting show like “Breaking Bad.” Or maybe “Narcos,” the first series. The one about Pablo Escobar.

ANJ: You’ve done this before, leave everything for the last minute. You are the world’s worst procrastinator.

Wendorf: You know me too well.

ANJ: That’s because I am you.

Wendorf: Yeah, sorry about that. You have my sympathy.

ANJ: You have a lot to be thankful for. A lot of your friends are no longer around, but you are.

Wendorf: Yeah, I’ve lost a lot of friends in the last few years. Thanks for the reminder. Are you trying to depress me even more? On top of that, have you seen the shape of the Valley, where too many people are holed up in their homes, worried about ICE, or the shape of the state, the country, the world?

In my lifetime, I have never, ever seen it this bad.

Then, scientists tell us that some weird object is hurtling toward the earth and it may be space aliens, and I’m thinking, good, maybe things will improve.

I’d take pills for depression, but they just make me more depressed.

ANJ: Pretty depressing.

Wendorf: Duh? Every day, I have friends send me links to stories that question our sanity as a collective species. Or simple texts like the one I got the other day: Since the start of this year, 173 farms have filed for bankruptcy, with more expected. Farmers and ranchers apparently have one of the highest rates of suicide in the country.

Then I get links to stories about some innocent person getting deported. Been here for 20 years, never committed a crime, owns a business, and now the feds are shipping her or him back to Mexico. Like that poor woman in San Benito.

ANJ: Pretty depressing.

Wendorf: You’re repeating yourself. As an interviewer, you’re not very good.

ANJ: I’m you.

Wendorf: That’s the problem. Have you ever thought about another line of work?

ANJ: Like what?

Wendorf: You’re supposed to be asking the questions. Not me.

ANJ: If you keep this up, you’re really going to go crazy.

Wendorf: Too late.

ANJ: What will Advance readers think when they see this interview? You interviewing yourself.

Wendorf: That I really have lost my mind, but do I care?

ANJ: Maybe you should.

Wendorf: Can you hand me the TV remote?

ANJ: Not “Breaking Bad” again.

Wendorf: No. The documentary about serial killers.

ANJ: How about writing a story about some local news?

Wendorf: Oh, yeah, there’s some real uplifting stuff. A murder here, a murder there, a fatal DWI over there, the former Edinburg city councilman who now admits to taking bribes, and I’m pretty sure I know who Public Official A and B are.

Then there are the two Harlingen sisters killed in a mobile home fire, the Edinburg guy now charged with shooting to death a guy over a simple property dispute. It’s like the whole world has gone insane.

It's pretty bad when a dark show like “ Breaking Bad” starts to look optimistic compared to reality.

Don’t even get me started about the sad, tragic plight of the hundreds of animals in this county who need a home. Why so many people let their so- called pets run wild is beyond me.

Then, DPS is sending me a press release this morning about how courageous the department is, and what comes to mind? The sad, tragic May 2022 Uvalde school massacre, when law enforcement did nothing to take down the shooter until a brave BP guy showed up with a real set of testicles. He and two other guys took out the killer while the rest of law enforcement stood around talking on their cell phones in the school hallways, scratching their...

Then, look, I know we need rain, but when I see rain now, what comes to mind? The lives lost July 4th in the Guadalupe flood. Why does it always take a major catastrophe for people in authority to do the right thing? Like install a flood warning system that might really work? You know, BEFORE so many people, including way too many young children, lost their precious lives.

On top of that, in the RGV, we now have ICE agents arresting decent hard-working people just so … never mind.

ANJ: Go ahead. You were about to say?

Wendorf: Forget it. Politics is crazier than it’s ever been. It is what it is. Better to just shut up.

ANJ: So what are you going to do later this week?

Wendorf: I don’t even know what I’m going to do later today, Breaking Bad vs. the documentary about serial killers, and you’re asking about the rest of the week?

ANJ: Sorry.

Wendorf: You should be. You’re no good at interviewing people.

ANJ: I am if I have someone interesting to interview.

Wendorf: Get out of here. You’re fired, and don’t look for a good reference letter.

ANJ: You really have lost your mind.

Wendorf: That’s a bad thing, why? I no longer have to think about reality.

Although, to be honest, that’s not even funny. Poor actor Bruce Willis. My age, and now reportedly, according to his oldest daughter, he can’t even talk, given the advanced stage of his dementia.

Okay, with that depressing factoid in mind, I’m ready to get to work. Hand me my keyboard.

ANJ: You fired me. Remember?