As elections loom, job apps for politiqueras ready

With plenty of local, county, and state elections just around the corner, this November and next March (primaries), there are always job openings for good politiqueras (AKA, paid campaign workers).

Question is, do YOU have what it takes to get out the votes and drive them to the polls?

The Advance is indeed looking for go-getters because we have formed a side hustle – a Politiquera(o) Agency titled: The Advance Campaign Consultancy Service.

Our motto: YOU GOT THE MONEY, Honey; WE GOT THE VOTES.

Cash only. No counterfeits.

It’s Big Money

According to several local politicians this newspaper spoke to recently, politiqueras are charging more than ever.

If you’re running on a slate, for example, the cost used to be between $1,500 to $2,000 per slate. Now, the same politiqueras/politiqueros are charging that much per candidate. Meaning, for a four-candidate slate, the cost to work a campaign may be $8,000.

As your new consulting agency, we will charge a lot less — $7,999.99.

Or if it’s one candidate, no slate, which is the case in county races, a really, really low flat fee of only $300,000.

As we all know, county elections don’t come cheap. That price will also include campaign posters taped to the back windows of all the rental vehicles used to transport voters to the polls. YOUR VOTERS.

Also, in Hidalgo County races, a person can vote in any county precinct. Meaning, if a candidate hires just any old campaign worker, there is no way to keep track of where they are driving voters or if they are even working the campaign.

We won’t do that.

Our politiqueras will typically already have an ankle bracelet on them, making it easy to track their every move.

For example:

“Hey, where you been? I’ve been at the polling place in (pick a city) all day, and I haven’t seen you or any of your workers.”

“That’s because I’ve been transporting people to the La Joya polling place all day.”

Uh-huh.

That won’t happen with us.

No Double-Dipping

Good news, too, for the politiquera, not the candidate, is that some are still reportedly double-dipping, if you will. They promise one candidate that they will work exclusively for them and then promise the opponent they’ll work for them, while getting paid by both.

Nice work if they can get it.

With The Advance Campaign Consultancy Service, we won’t double dip, and we’ll find a way to highlight the stories about your opponent should they get popped for a DWI. We’ll even be on sight when they get bailed out to take a photo for page 1.

Quality, forthright journalism.

This political season, however, and this is serious, no joke — We are going to look at every candidate to make sure that they have paid their property taxes.

The Advance News Journal should have been doing this during all previous elections, but moving forward, that will indeed be the case.

If a political candidate can’t manage their own personal finances, why should they be elected to oversee public dollars?

That aside, let’s get to the job app.

As a contracting service, we need workers willing to drive people to the polls in a responsible manner. No dope smoking on the road, and that includes consuming alcoholic beverages.

So, here we go: Answer this simple job application and fax it to 956-787-8824 or email it to advancenews@sbcglobal.net or commercial@opensecrets.org. Include your cell number, or if you’re using a burner phone because there is currently a warrant out for your arrest, list that one instead.

What is most important to you?

1) Electing the best candidate.

2) Making the RGV better.

3) Better Government.

4) Lots of Money.

How many “voters” will your vehicle hold?

1) Four.

2) Six.

3) Eight.

4) 40, if I can borrow the school bus from my primo down at the bus barn.

What trait best describes you?

1) Honest.

2) Ethical.

3) Moral.

4) Greedy and all of the above?

Are you willing to transport the elderly to the polls?

1) Only if they’re asleep and don’t talk.

2) I love senior citizens.

3) My primo owns two nursing homes.

4) Sure, and my grandma can vote twice because she had a twin.

Describe your best type of candidate:

1) Their greed matches mine.

2) They don’t care if I’m a convicted felon.

3) They keep their hands to themself.

4) While transporting people to the polls, I can drink and drive.

When was the last time you voted?

1) Before I got sent to prison for armed robbery.

2) Should I include my last 50 mail-in ballots?

3) Depends on what name I used.

4) I’m a politiquera. I don’t have time to vote.

When entering a voting booth with the person you drove to the polls, what is the most important thing to remember?

1) Never let them vote because I will.

2) Make sure they understand who they’re voting for.

3) Mix up the names to confuse them.

4) Vote for the person who hired me?

Can you promise you will remain loyal to the politician who hires us?

1) Can you repeat the question?

2) Does that include the early vote?

3) Why can’t I collect money from both sides?

4) Can you repeat the question?