Advance News Journal: New politiquera service
It’s election time again. The political yard signs tell us so. The politicos wave hi to me on almost every street corner. Like an old friend, waving hello. Lots of first names. All the other candidates are out and about, too, their friendly mugs planted on yard signs, assuming their best pose, like your favorite aunt or uncle come for Sunday brunch. Hi. Vote for me.
Not a hungover photo, or DWI photo, in the bunch.
Time to Vote
Step right up to the voting booth, time to vote.
We all know what that means — Politiqueras/Politiqueros out and about, driving senile demented nursing home patients to the polls to vote and/or people who don’t even know who the candidates are. All they know is that they are going to get out for some fresh air, with the promise of a cold six pack on the way home. At the polls, the politiquera will go into the booth to help them vote or bring the ballot out to them as they sit in the car by the curb.
“Just tell the poll watcher that your hand hurts and you can’t use it to operate the machine. I’ll take it the rest of the way.”
Come on, Wendorf, it’s not that bad.
True. The smart politicians don’t use politiqueras (as a result, they usually lose the elections), and they don’t pick up their cell phones when they call them non-stop looking for work. “Hey, my white Caddie needs some new rims, I can bring you some votes.”
Some politiqueras run a business in an honest fashion. They are not out to take advantage of the election process by taking money from politicians in return for votes from nursing home patients who don’t know what day of the week it is, much less who the qualified voter might be.
“Last name starts with a B.”
True, but how to differentiate the legitimate politiqueras from the ones with no scruples?
The ones who’ll wheel a comatose patient on oxygen into the voting booth, provided no one objects (the poll watchers seldom do), versus the politiqueras who serve as legitimate transportation for voters who have no other means of getting to the polling place.
During the election process, in many jurisdictions, it’s not a matter of who the best candidate is, but who’s got the most money to hire the most politiqueras (campaign workers). Who’s got the most cash (plus, promising vendors, voters work if they win office), because the politiqueras demand cash. Cash is king. Wads of hundred-dollar bills. That’s what the politiqueras demand. Sprinkle in a few checks to make the campaign finance reports look legit. Does anyone even keep track if the campaign finance reports meet the deadline? A few, but very few. Good thing is, the cash doesn’t have to be reported. No money trail.
Who’s the most qualified candidate?
Who cares. If I’m a paid political mercenary, AKA politiquera (o), all I want to know is who’s paying the most money for bodies hauled to the polling place? Alive or dead, doesn’t matter. Per pound, or per head, no biggie. Just fork over the cash. That’s how the Valley process works around election time. Has, for years.
So, with that in mind, the Advance News staff has decided to once again launch our own politiquera service for this year’s November election.
We will charge $25 per head. Plus, we’re not knocking any money off for the Alzheimer patients or those with severe senile dementia like my poor mother- in-law had before she passed away, may she rest in peace.
It’s the same price per head, regardless of whether or not the voter can still tell time. Under current election law, the demented can still vote. Just so they show up at the polls. That’s all that matters. So fork over the change (actually, wads of hundred-dollar, tax-free bills).
Why this is legal, who knows. If someone is physically or mentally handicapped to the degree that they can’t mark the right ballot once they go behind the screen to vote (the reason given for sending in a politiquera with them to vote), why not send an independent poll watcher in with them to help instead of the paid operative hired to drive them to the polling place?
Who knows. I am just glad, however, it is this way. Easier to make money as a paid political politiquera.
Premium for the Deceased
Last but not least — Any deceased person we drive to the polls to vote will incorporate a 15 percent premium. An audit of the Hidalgo County election records done years ago showed that a lot of dead people turn up to vote every election. For this, of course, we need to make up some more phony IDs, erase death certificates from online access, and that all costs money.
Plus, we need to have someone on paid retainer to take the fall in case of an arrest down the road.
We can deliver the votes for you. We can. On good days, we can even get the same person to vote three times, at three different polling places. How sweet is that? Same photo, different name on the card. We have spent months thinking through this process. When I see the politiqueras driving a better vehicle than mine, it doesn’t take a genius to see where the real money is.
Deceased, comatose, or alive with advanced senile dementia, we will get them to the voting booth on time.
Who they vote for is up to each individual candidate. For the record, however, just in case you are with a federal or state law enforcement agency, or the AG’s office, or the IRS, in search of voter fraud this election, I am joking about The Advance getting into the politiquera business. We are not. Just writing about politiqueras and the RGV’s messed-up voting system takes up all the time we have.