Crimes?: It Pays to snitch

I’m not even an attorney, but I’m going to hand out some free legal advice just the same.

Are you or someone you love currently involved in a criminal enterprise nearing collapse? Is your crooked house of cards about to fall apart? Can you feel it crumbling? Can’t sleep? Stomach cramps? Paranoid about when federal agents are going to bust down the door at 5 a.m.?

If so, run to the closest FBI office and turn yourself in. First one there wins the prize.

Prize? Yes, the prize being, the lightest sentence – either little time served in the federal pen, or if you get real lucky, no time at all.

But don’t dilly-dally, thinking, should I or should I not (rat out your friends, both male and female)?

“Mi abuela didn’t know anything about what was going on, so leave her out of it.”

Look, grannie, with the new set of wheels, may or may not get a pass. Can’t guarantee anything when it comes to federal investigations as they relate to females. But if you have both a wife and a girlfriend, forget your abuela for a minute, good luck with that because fed investigators and prosecutors will want to talk to both, even if they leave your grannie out of the mix. So budget for a divorce attorney as well.

In Spanish, there’s the phrase: “No apunte el dedo.”

Don’t point the finger (at someone).

The heck with that. When it comes to prison time, point it all day long. Just don’t point it at the innocent, as the feds are sometimes prone to do (the old case of the McAllen oral surgeon comes to mind).

Upcoming Raid?

If your gut’s telling you that the feds are about to conduct a raid on your home or business, or the public entity you pretend to represent, beat them to the punch.

If you know you’ve committed a crime(s), cooked the books, taken a bribe, handed out a bribe, and it’s a conspiracy of more than a few felony counts, then become a rat and turn in your compatriots. They won’t thank you. That’s pretty obvious. But who cares? When it comes to spending time in the fed lockup, it’s each man, or in some cases, each woman, for him or herself. Looking out for numero uno should be your first priority.

Meanwhile, getting back to the initial subject of this column — if you or any one you know or love is currently or has recently been involved in any act of public corruption (or corruptions if it’s in the plural sense), run, don’t walk, to the nearest FBI office and turn yourself in.

First one to confess usually gets the best deal with federal prosecutors, and unless you’re real unlucky, the federal judge will usually accept the plea deal.

Remember, though, even if you don’t feel any remorse because you still think, in your own mind, that you did nothing wrong, when you go before the federal bench, lower your gaze and sound as pathetic and remorseful as possible. Pretend it’s a high school play if necessary, generate some tears, just play the part.

Even if you still think you’re innocent, remember you just pled guilty to avoid risking a trial, so don’t go back to federal court for sentencing and act like you’re innocent, shoulders back, head held high.

Let federal agents wire you up and get the goods on your compatriots over lunch. Last man, or woman, standing gets hit with the harshest sentences.

Hidalgo County is rife with rumors of federal investigations, which only makes sense ever since a special public corruption task force took root down here a decade or more. These men and women carrying a federal badge aren’t in town for fun. Tacos, sure, but fun, no. They’re in town to take down some corrupt public officials and some corrupt private vendors, although the public officials always get hit the worst when they show up in federal court.

Sometimes, the vendor(s) aren’t even charged with a crime even if it took two transactional parties to tango. Go figure.

The private sector guys, they get greedy. But the federal judges seem to really have it in for corrupt public officials when it’s time for sentencing. If I had 10 dollars for every time I’ve heard a federal judge lecture public officials about how they’ve betrayed the public’s trust and confidence and given Hidalgo County yet another black eye by committing a crime while holding public office, I’d be a rich guy.

Maybe not as rich as some public officials, but rolling in the dough nonetheless.